Marital Bliss

Usually what goes on in a relationship is private, but I feel that the changes going on are part of my new role as a mommy so I want to write about it.







For the delivery, Mike was the perfect partner. He didn't drive like a maniac on the way to the hospital, he offered words of encouragement during the labour, and took many proud daddy photos of our newborn. For the first week or so, I felt like we were in it together. Neither of us knew exactly what to do and we took turns consoling Aidan when he was upset. Mike helped me with nursing, getting me pillows and propping Aidan on them so I was comfortable.







Slowly, things changed. As Mike went off to work each day I was left with Aidan. Because Mike had to work, I did all the night wakings for the most part. To me, this seemed fair and was actually my suggestion. After several sleep deprived nights, I stopped thinking rationally. I clearly remember nursing Aidan in the middle of the night (3am ish?) and looking over at "daddy" sleeping. My thoughts - "I may as well just be a single mom. What's the difference, for the help I get?" Obviously if I were a single mom I would not be able to stay at home with Aidan in the day, I would not live in our nice house, I wouldn't get any breaks from childcare etc etc but lack of sleep makes your brain malfunction.







Every time Aidan would have a crying spell, I would look to my husband and blame him. It was so irrational and I knew it, but I couldn't help it. Aidan would be screaming and screaming, Mike would come in to take him for me and give me a break, and I would get mad at him. I was actually angry with Aidan but you can't take out your anger on a helpless infant.







Fast forward a few weeks. Aidan isn't crying as much, but I am obsessed with keeping him on his schedule. I become the "expert" and hubby becomes "the idiot who knows nothing". Anytime he'd do anything with Aidan, I'd question him. "Why did you bring him downstairs??" "Why did you take him out of his swing???" "Why did you change his diaper???" If I thought he didn't help before, my constant criticism was not improving the situation.







When I look at it objectively, Mike is a great Dad. He plays with Aidan and makes him laugh in a way I can't (I'm jealous, I admit it) and times that he's super fussy he will hold him until he calms down. But when I'm in the middle of it, anything that goes wrong becomes his fault. We became the cliche, arguing over who's job was more difficult. "At least you get breaks at work" "At least you can nap in the day when Aidan naps", etc.







I think everyone goes through an adjustment period after their first child is born, but maybe it's taboo to talk about it. Things are improving for us, but I am definitely more aware of why having a child can ruin a relationship. Of course we argued before, but we didn't have lack of sleep and lack of time making the "discussions" more intense. In the end, I think our relationship will come out stronger but for now we are still in the process of learning how to make it work. And I think I'm the one who has the most learning to do, if I don't want my hubby to give up helping me since he can't do anything right!