Crying Child

No pictures for this one - I've already posted the crying picture of Aidan so you'll just have to refer to that picture to get an image in your head.

So Aidan had a pretty good day today. He slept 12 1/2 hours last night, had 3 good naps, but when bedtime came....oh, man. He decided to scream for an hour and nothing would comfort him. It was like the old days, but the difference is I'm not used to it anymore and I can't stand it. I remember before he'd cry for an hour and that would be a good night. Now he cries for 5 minutes and I feel like it was hours.

I think most moms will know what I mean - when you hear your child cry, does your head start pounding and your heart start racing? I'm not talking about the little fussy crying, but the screaming-like-I'm-going-to-die crying. Maybe it's just me, but I've had people over and if Aidan is crying I cannot carry on any sort of conversation. I can't concentrate on anything and all I can think about is making the crying stop. This is where the evil images of hurting Aidan come into my head. They don't come right away, I think they have a 1/2 hour minimum cry time limit. But when they come, I hate myself and I hate Aidan and I hate everything. You'd better hope you're not calling me during a crying spell or I will hate you, too.

I was going to try to write this blog while he was crying, but it was useless. I became a useless, brainless being whose sole mission in life was to make my child go to sleep. I've read that crying does not affect men the same way, but when I see how Mike reacts I think these researchers are wrong.

Anyway, hopefully this crying spell was a one night thing. Actually, even if he does it tomorrow it's not that big of a deal because I have to work so someone else can comfort him. Someone with more patience.....

Labour and Delivery

Every mom's got a story - here's mine.

I woke up at about 4am on October 16, 2009, with a gush of liquid coming from between my legs. I thought my maybe my water broke, but I also thought maybe I was peeing - I stood up to smell the mattress. As the water continued to gush out, I realized the sniff test wasn't necessary - this was baby time. I shook Mike to wake him up "Mike, my water broke" and I don't actually remember what he said. Because I was strep-B positive, I needed to go to the hospital right away. I'm glad I didn't have to just wait around for labour to start.

My due date wasn't until November 1, and unlike everyone else who's pregnant, I was NOT anxious to meet my son. I would have been content for him to stay in there forever. As such, my hospital bag was not packed. I started packing my bag. Not rushed, but not taking my time either. I packed a few pairs of underwear (little did I know I'd need 50 pair for the amount of water gushing out of me), some clothes for Aidan, some comfy clothes for me, and of course snacks.

Luckily there wasn't much traffic (it was pretty early) and it didn't take long to get to the hospital. They gave me some pretty mesh hospital underwear (these are not actually pretty) and got me hooked up to some machines to monitor me. The nurse came in after a while to check the machines and told me I was 3 cm dilated, had I felt any contractions?

I was surprised - 3 cm dilated and I still hadn't felt any pain. Woo hoo! While she was in there she said, "Oh, you just had a contraction, did you feel it?" I had not felt anything. This experience made me excited, thinking maybe I'd deliver the baby and never feel a thing! How naive of me.

The first (and maybe most?) painful moment came soon after - I had to get an IV. This was not enjoyable AT ALL. I'd never had one before, and it really hurt to get that needle put in. The pain is supposed to go away, but it hurt the whole time. Maybe I'm just a big wimp, but it killed me. As a side story, I remember getting blood taken during my pregnancy. It was the first time I'd ever had blood taken and I told the woman that I was scared. Her comfort was, "Oh, honey, you're going to feel much worse pain than this before your baby is born!" I was not comforted. I cried.

Shortly after that, I was whisked to the delivery room where I was given pitocin to speed up the process. All that was left to do was sit back and wait for the pain. I read the paper while chatting with Mike and listening to music. I talked on the phone with my family. My thoughts - "Pfft, labour is easy".

I asked Mike for a snack. During my prenatal class, the instructor had informed us that you used to not be allowed snacks during labour but, HURRAY, Alberta had recently changed the rules and you were now allowed to eat and drink. When I asked for the Arrowroot (baby cookie), the nurse that was in the room turned to me immediately, "You're not allowed to eat". WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT??? I know I've written before about my love affair with food, but only those that know me well will understand just how important food is to me. Or even if you don't know me well, if you've ever tried to steal some of my snacks (as I bring snacks with me pretty much every where I go) then you know how seriously I take my food.

After some discussion, the nurse told me that if I was starving I could have something. So I told her I was starving. I was allowed some toast and juice.

At about 10:30 am, I went to the bathroom. All of a sudden I felt really bad period cramps. I seriously did not clue in that it was a contraction, because it really felt just like period cramps. A few minutes after that (felt like a few seconds) the cramps returned, only more intensely. My sister had delivered her baby only 2 weeks ago and her words of wisdom rang in my ears, "Get the epidural". As soon as a nurse came in I said "I'm going to want the epidural". I think I went through about a half hour of contractions before the anesthesiologist finally came and gave me my needle. Our prenatal class (and lots of books) had made epidurals seem evil and unnatural, but I could still feel the contractions, they just didn't hurt as much. I have no regrets.

When it came time to push, I was not prepared. I felt like I had just started having contractions and all of a sudden it was time to have a baby! Luckily, I had been warned about 2 very important things - I would probably poop while pushing, and I would probably tear (I was more scared about tearing than anything else, which seems so silly now). As I pushed (which actually hurt) I kept asking "Did I poop?" I knew I probably would, but I was still ashamed.

Finally, the pushing was over and Aidan was out! He was being weighed and measured, etc while Mike took videos and pictures. My first question "Did I tear?" Yes, I did, but I only needed 2 stitches. Apparently pretty much all first time moms tear (this is a warning to all of you women without children, because I didn't know this before I was pregnant). A nurse came to me, "You're allowed to eat now. Would you like a sandwich?" At first I said no, but then two seconds later - "What kinds of sandwiches do you have?" I chowed down while Mike played the role of proud parent. I honestly did not feel whatever it is you're supposed to feel - overwhelmed, overjoyed? I just felt hungry. I don't think I really clued in to what was going on.

So that's my birth story. Aidan was born at about 3:15pm so I had about 5 hours of contractions/pushing. Honestly, it was not bad at all. I think God did this so that I would be willing to have another child. I'm sure the next time won't be so easy. Or maybe it will. I can only hope.

Decisions, Decisions

Reason to go back to work:




















Reason to stay home:


















Okay, there's another reason to go back to work: money. I'm still struggling with what to do, hopefully I'll figure it out before September.

Blog coming soon: my labour and delivery story. Don't worry, there won't be any gross pictures.

Please Comment

Hello to my blog readers (all 3 of you haha)

I know you couldn't leave comments before unless you had an account, but I have changed my settings so that anyone can comment. Please tell me what you think :)

Baby Weight

I know I already posted this morning, but I didn't start this blog until Aidan was 4 months old so I have a lot of catching up to do.





So....baby weight. Or I-pigged-out-during-my-pregnancy weight. Whatever you want to call it, it sucks.





For the first few months of my pregnancy, I still ate fairly healthy and hardly gained any weight. Obviously, the baby wasn't growing that much either so I shouldn't have gained any weight. Because my weight gain was slow, I decided I should help it along by eating ice cream every day for about a month. That month I gained 10 lbs. Okay, still not that big of a deal, I could get it under control still.





As I got bigger and bigger, I was less able to move around and ended up pretty much sitting around. It didn't help that is was summer vacation so I was barely even working (waitressing 1-2 days a week). I remember when I first got pregnant and was worried about gaining weight, people said not to worry. Some moms use pregnancy as an excuse to eat and eat so as long as I didn't do that I would be fine. "Oh, I won't do that", I thought.





Little did I know that a love affair with food and the excuse of being pregnant is a deadly combination. Aidan was born in October and I remember going to Superstore before he was born and buying a 100 pack of mini chocolate bars that were out for Halloween and eating the whole box myself (with some help from Mike...) and going back for another 100 count box, which also disappeared before Aidan's birth. In the end, I had gained about 40lbs. I wasn't too worried, though. I was planning to breastfeed, which I'd been told helps the weight "just melt right off" (lies, lies).





A week or two after Aidan had been born, I'd lost about 20 lbs of the 40lbs I'd gained. This still put me up 20 lbs but I wasn't worried. I was breastfeeding! The weight would just disappear! One problem - I'd heard that you are supposed to eat more when you're breastfeeding and, since I love food sooooo much, I didn't mind making sure my portions were extra large or that I had tons of snacks. I stopped eating junk (chocolate, ice cream, etc) except for a treat now and then, but I definitely still ate A LOT. I didn't lose one more pound. I was still 20 lbs overweight when Aidan was 3 1/2 months. I worked out now and then, went for walks, but realistically I needed to cut back on what I was eating. This photo was taken a few weeks after Aidan was born, even though I still look 5 months prego.





Fate intervened. I got a really bad stomach flu about a week ago and everything that was in me left one way or another. I lost 10 lbs in one day. I have since gained back about 5lbs but...overall weight loss, 5 more lbs! This jump start has really helped. Because I couldn't eat for a few days, my stomach doesn't hold those large portions I had previously been cramming down my throat. I'm not so worried about my breast milk because I'm pretty sure I don't need to eat like a pig to make enough milk. I now allow myself to get hungry. I still have a way to go. My body may never be the same (especially my boobs, but that's another story) but I'm not as worried about the weight because I know it will come off eventually if I actually put in some effort.





As a side note, when I was really sick I wasn't producing as much milk and now I have to give Aidan a bottle of formula every night. At first I was nursing him first and then giving him the bottle to make sure he got enough, but that ended quickly when his bedtime feed went from 30 minutes to up to 90 minutes. I have mixed feelings about this - at least I still get to nurse him in the day. I never knew that nursing would become such a special thing for me, but it has. The plus side about the bottle - Mike (or anyone) can be the one to feed him so I can go out at night and he eats the bottle soooo much faster. He can down 8-10oz in about 10 minutes. The downside - the lactation nazis has drilled into my head the breast is best and formula is evil so sometimes I feel a little guilty. I didn't mind giving him a bottle now and then so I could have a few drinks or go out for an evening, but I always pumped to keep my supply up and felt good knowing that I could always feed Aidan myself. Now I don't think I have enough milk anymore, so I'm dependent on a bottle and formula. But is that a big deal, really? So far it hasn't been, but why is formula so expensive?? I can't imagine if all of Aidan's meals were formula, I'd go broke just feeding him.





One last thing - some new moms look so amazing, I wonder how they did it. At my "Mommy and Me" class, I mentioned that I was surprised how long it was taking to lose the baby weight. Was anyone else struggling with this? I was met with silence. What the heck?!?! Am I the only one still in my maternity clothes?!? Apparently. I finally broke down and bought some bigger clothes, and I feel 10x better about myself going in public, but I think I'll feel 100x better when I finally shed this last 15 lbs. I'd be happy with 10 to be honest!

Judgmental Mom

I was reading a book about motherhood and the author started talking about "judgy moms". She said, "You know the kind, the ones that give you an evil look as you hand your toddler their third oreo". As I read this, I thought "I'd judge someone for giving their child 3 oreos!!" I always knew I was a bit judgmental, but this is when I realized that I am VERY judgmental, and I thought back to all the things I think are "wrong" and judge others for doing.

When Aidan was first born, I decided that I wasn't going to use a pacifier because I didn't want it to become a habit. I judged those that used one. When his crying got to me, I decided we could use one, but only until 3 months because, according to many "expert" opinions, 3 months is the magic age where pacifier use becomes a problem. I judged those that used a pacifier past 3 months. Well, after a few nights of crying, I shoved that soother in his mouth and he instantly closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep. Now I'm not sure what I'll do and I don't judge anyone using a pacifier for their baby.

I've read in a million books that TV can interfere with infant's brain development so I would get annoyed with Mike (or anyone) when they would face Aidan towards the TV to get him to stop crying. When people would sit and watch TV with their infants, I would judge them.

There are a lot of things that I don't judge - formula vs breastfeeding (although before I had Aidan, I thought everyone could breastfeed and those that didn't were just lazy), family bed vs own crib, stay at home vs working mom, but there are way more things that I think I know what's "best". This is hard for me to admit, but I really want to work on it so I thought I'd share just in case there are other moms who struggle with this.

The ironic thing is, I get frustrated with other moms who judge me for putting my son on a schedule yet I judge them for things.

I know if I continue this way, I'll be super overprotective and Aidan will grow up judging others. My hope is that he learns from his father's example and not mine in this area. I also hope that I can stop judging others so harshly and realize that there's not always a "right" and "wrong" when it comes to parenting. That's why so many experts have conflicting opinions!

If you read this, I hope you don't judge me for judging. Being a mom is hard enough without having others look down on what you're doing, as I need to remind myself more often.

Marital Bliss

Usually what goes on in a relationship is private, but I feel that the changes going on are part of my new role as a mommy so I want to write about it.







For the delivery, Mike was the perfect partner. He didn't drive like a maniac on the way to the hospital, he offered words of encouragement during the labour, and took many proud daddy photos of our newborn. For the first week or so, I felt like we were in it together. Neither of us knew exactly what to do and we took turns consoling Aidan when he was upset. Mike helped me with nursing, getting me pillows and propping Aidan on them so I was comfortable.







Slowly, things changed. As Mike went off to work each day I was left with Aidan. Because Mike had to work, I did all the night wakings for the most part. To me, this seemed fair and was actually my suggestion. After several sleep deprived nights, I stopped thinking rationally. I clearly remember nursing Aidan in the middle of the night (3am ish?) and looking over at "daddy" sleeping. My thoughts - "I may as well just be a single mom. What's the difference, for the help I get?" Obviously if I were a single mom I would not be able to stay at home with Aidan in the day, I would not live in our nice house, I wouldn't get any breaks from childcare etc etc but lack of sleep makes your brain malfunction.







Every time Aidan would have a crying spell, I would look to my husband and blame him. It was so irrational and I knew it, but I couldn't help it. Aidan would be screaming and screaming, Mike would come in to take him for me and give me a break, and I would get mad at him. I was actually angry with Aidan but you can't take out your anger on a helpless infant.







Fast forward a few weeks. Aidan isn't crying as much, but I am obsessed with keeping him on his schedule. I become the "expert" and hubby becomes "the idiot who knows nothing". Anytime he'd do anything with Aidan, I'd question him. "Why did you bring him downstairs??" "Why did you take him out of his swing???" "Why did you change his diaper???" If I thought he didn't help before, my constant criticism was not improving the situation.







When I look at it objectively, Mike is a great Dad. He plays with Aidan and makes him laugh in a way I can't (I'm jealous, I admit it) and times that he's super fussy he will hold him until he calms down. But when I'm in the middle of it, anything that goes wrong becomes his fault. We became the cliche, arguing over who's job was more difficult. "At least you get breaks at work" "At least you can nap in the day when Aidan naps", etc.







I think everyone goes through an adjustment period after their first child is born, but maybe it's taboo to talk about it. Things are improving for us, but I am definitely more aware of why having a child can ruin a relationship. Of course we argued before, but we didn't have lack of sleep and lack of time making the "discussions" more intense. In the end, I think our relationship will come out stronger but for now we are still in the process of learning how to make it work. And I think I'm the one who has the most learning to do, if I don't want my hubby to give up helping me since he can't do anything right!