Mind Numbing

I'm starting to lose my mind being a SAHM (that's stay at home mom for all those not in the know). At first I was too busy and sleep deprived to really think about it, but now that Aidan sleeps all night and has regular naps the monotony of my every day life is really starting to get to me.

Here is how my day has been so far:
7am - wake up to feed Aidan
7:30-8:30am - play with Aidan/watch him on his playmat while I drink coffee
8:30am - Aidan naps, I consider reading the paper but watch TV instead
9:30am - Aidan wakes up, I supervise his playtime while considering reading the paper but do an Aidan photo shoot instead
10:30 - Aidan's bath
11:00am - feed Aidan
11:30am - Aidan naps, I load the dishwasher and throw in a load of laundry and then discover that the cat threw up all over the carpet in the basement. I debate whether I should clean it up right away or make my lunch first. Is this what my life has come to?
12:00pm - I decide to have lunch first.
12:30pm - clean up barf
1:00pm - put on a rerun of Desperate Housewives and decide to write this blog. I have also put on another pot of coffee.

This is my life. Aidan will wake up, we'll go for a walk, I'll feed him, he'll nap again....I am going brain dead. I feel myself getting more and more stupid by the day. Going to Florida was a nice break - I got to be with my family and talk with people that actually talk back - but now I'm back to doing nothing and thinking pretty much nothing. I'm not sure how to fight this and get my brain back. The less I do, the less I want to do. The paper still sits unopened next to me, and it's hardly difficult reading.

A few months ago, I joined a Mommy and Me class, but it was still during the time that I was adjusting to life with Aidan. Plus, the class only met once a week for 4 weeks, hardly an ideal breeding ground for friendships. Now my socializing usually consists of conversing with the tables on serve on Saturday nights. Most of my friends actually have jobs and by the time the evening comes, I'm more interested in getting ready for bed then heading out for some fun. I'm not sure what the solution is, but I'm also not sure that I can take 5 more months of this.

Do any other SAHMs have advice for how to keep my brain from losing all ability to function beyond knowing how to properly change a diaper? I also don't know how to stay motivated. I want to have more productive days but I am also sinking into a funk where I can't find the motivation to do anything besides watch TV and play with Aidan. I feel like I have all this free time and I should be doing something with it...but what? I need help!

I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in these feelings, but I definitely feel isolated since I'm missing out on adult social contact!

Introducing Solids

Aidan is almost 6 months old and I can't put it off any longer - he's got to start eating "real" food. At first, this day seemed so far off. I remember my lactation consultant telling me how things would change around 6 months when Aidan started eating but that day seemed like it would never come, and now here we are.

I've gotten Aidan into a pretty good feeding routine, and now I'm nervous of what's going to happen. Not only do I have to prepare him food and clean it up, I'm also not sure when he should eat and how much he should have. It seems like as soon as I feel like I know what I'm doing, things change.

So far, I've given Aidan rice cereal several times. I think that's now going to become a once a day staple. He's had it every afternoon for the past 3 days and seems to love every second of it. I also tried giving him egg yolk yesterday, but I think that was a little too thick for him, even mixed with water. It's just weird because with nursing all I had to do was give him the boob. Now I actually have to put effort into making sure he's getting enough of the right foods. Well, so far it's just rice cereal, but I know it'll progress pretty quickly. I'm not sure if I should be giving him a sippy cup, too. And if I do, should I just give him formula since I'm too lazy to pump now? So much to think about....

I know this blog is kind of lame, but I thought I should write a quick one just to keep me motivated to write more. Stay tuned for the exciting blog "Aidan Rolls Over!" :)

Okay, it's not over...just delayed

As Jaymie pointed out, there is a lot more to write about, it's true. I've been on vacation with so much to do that I haven't wanted to write a blog at all! But I'm sure once I'm back to my boring life in AB, I'll have tons of time to write about life with baby. So stay tuned!

The End

I think it's safe to say that I won't be blogging anymore. It seems it was a brief lived obsession and now I've said all I have to say. Thanks to everyone for reading. Check back now and then if you want because you never know if I might have something I need to write about ;)

First Plane Ride

First of all, I want to say that I took lots of pictures of Aidan's first plane ride with my cell phone but I forgot the memory card converter so I can't post any until I could get back. Use your imagination :)

I thought I should be at the airport extra early, having been warned by my sister that it takes some time to push a stroller while pulling a luggage cart. When will I learn not to tell Mike that I want to be somewhere early? My flight was scheduled to leave at 12:10pm and at 7:30am Mike was asking if I was ready. Thankfully he let me wait until about 8:30am before we left, but I'm getting off track.

Aidan woke up around 6:30am. I fed him and he was back to sleep around 7:30am. He sometimes has his morning nap this early and sleeps until about 9am. He was napping in his swing so Mike could watch him while I got ready and I accidentally knocked into the swing around 8am, waking him up. "Crrrraaaaaaappp" (my thoughts), "Now Aidan is going to be super cranky all day because his nap was 30 minutes and we have to go soon!" I was slightly stressed. People without children cannot understand what a missed nap truly means. Maybe even people with uncranky children can't understand.

Anyway, Aidan fell asleep on the drive there (yessss!) at about 9am. His schedule was off, but whatever. I was just glad he was sleeping. Mike helped me load my things on a cart and came into the airport with me. The tricky part came after he left - because only ticketed passengers are allowed through the US security area, I had to push his stroller with one hand while pulling the luggage cart behind me the other hand. Originally when my sister told me about this technique, I thought I should try to pack less. Yeah, right. My living room is Aidan's amusement park and I don't know how I'm going to live without the toys I didn't bring, I crammed in as much as possible. Plus he needs cute outfits for all the fun things we're going to do. It wasn't that hard since the line moved kind of slowly, and Aidan was still sleeping!!! Joy! I couldn't believe it. He slept until I was through customs and up at my gate. Am I lucky or what??? It was amazing. But before you get too jealous, something bad is going to happen, don't worry.

So around 11am, Aidan wakes up. I'm so happy, he's had a total of 2 1/2 hours of sleep so even if he doesn't nap again he can't be THAT cranky. Aidan's happy, too. I want to hold him off on eating so I can feed him as the plane takes off but he hasn't eaten since 6:30am so I feed him at 11:30am. Wow, I am giving a really detailed account of the day...I may have to edit this down a little so it's not so boring.

So, Aidan is happy - rested and fed, what more could a baby want. I carry him over to the kiddie section in the seating area by the gate where there is a table with toys attached. I hold him so he can play with the toys. Here is where disaster comes....

Although Aidan is pretty good at holding his head up and keeping his balance, he's still a little wobbly. I was holding him around the waist, in front of the table, when WHACK he smacks his head on the side of the table. Obviously, he instantly begins to scream. I'm not too worried...I pick him up and try to calm him down. Until....I notice....HE HAS A CUT RIGHT BY HIS EYE!! I AM THE WORST MOM EVER!

I'm freaking out, it's about 5 minutes before I'm supposed to board and there is blood (not gushing blood, barely noticeable except to the trained mother's eye, but still...blood). I don't know if I should clean him up or get it checked or what I should do (I guess I'm not that trained of a mother....) so I go over to the desk where the westjet staff are sitting. "Um, excuse me...." A lady employee turns to me. "Can I help you?" She asks. "Ummm...I just...I..not sure" I can't even speak, I break down in tears. I show her the cut and I'm sure she thinks I'm a psychotic over protective mother. Looking back, I can't believe I started sobbing. Okay, I can. I used to be a big crier but I got over it. Since I had Aidan, though, commercials about a boy eating cereal with his mom can make me cry (okay, I exaggerate...slightly)

Anyway, I ask the lady what she thinks I should do, should I still get on the plane, etc. I'm not sure why I thought this 20-something west jet employee would have all the answers, but I was so panicked that I didn't know what to do. She assured me that it was no big deal. Her co-worked laughed, "That won't be the last time he hurts himself! Hahaha!" I am not laughing, but I stop crying. And Aidan has stopped crying long ago.

Two seconds later, it's time to board. Another westjet employee helps me with my suitcase and tells me how her 16 month old son's head is covered in bumps, he is always hitting his head. Ahhh, how am I going to deal with Aidan learning to crawl/walk? He's going to hit his head constantly! Will I sob every time?

We get on the plane and prepare for departure. As per advice, I nurse Aidan on take-off, even though my row is full. I use the annoying breastfeeding cover. Aidan nurses for about 30 minutes and is pretty much asleep. I adjust him on my lap so that he is basically lying down across me. He sucks his soother for a looooong while with his eyes closed (half sleeping) and then sleeps for at least an hour without the soother. I'm thinking "this is too good to be true". He wakes up with about 2 hours left to go on the flight. He is happy. I am happy. He gets a little fussy, but not too bad. No real crying.

About 45 minutes before landing, I ask a flight attendant to warm up some milk I brought (hey, when I boarded someone told me to press the flight attendant button if I needed a bottle warmed). A different lady came to my seat. I have to say I can tell that she does not have children. Either that or she just hates her life and is a crank pot. I would like to take this opportunity to go off on a tangent. Since I had Aidan, I get more annoyed with things/people that aren't child friendly. I never noticed before how difficult it is to get around with a stroller. How are you supposed to open a door? Or carry your luggage at the airport?

Anyway, I gave the flight attendant my bottle and 2 bags of milk. She handed back the bottle and said, "I'll just warm these up and bring them back to you". Are you kidding me? Do you not SEE the child in my lap? How am I supposed to hold him and pour milk from a bag into a bottle without spilling it everywhere (I did do it, but I'm just saying...). I also told her they didn't need to be hot, just room temperature is fine. Her reply, "I can't guarantee the temperature...we only have hot water, not a microwave". Okay, obviously not a mom because all moms know you don't heat breastmilk in the microwave. The bags came back piping hot, which tells me she has never heated up milk before (not a mom). I'm glad I didn't need the bottle right away because I had to let it cool for at least 15 minutes. Maybe the real reasons I hate this woman were because a) she didn't smile b)Aidan had been fussy so I was more cranky.

We landed and my grandparents were waiting to meet me and meet their great grandson for the first time. We packed up the van and were on our way. At this point it was 6:30pm Calgary time, past Aidan's bedtime. He was okay at first and then....fuss. No big deal, right? But THEN...SCREEEEAM like I haven't heard him scream in a long time. I knew it was because he was over tired, but it still sucked because we were driving and there was nothing I could do. He eventually passed out and when we arrived at the house I threw his car seat in a back bedroom and closed the door. When my grandfather was giving me a tour of the house, he started to open the door to that room.."Noooooo...Aidan's sleeping in there!" Evidently, he didn't hear me, because he turned on the light and continued talking. Aidan woke up. But maybe he'd go back to sleep? No such luck.

Long story short (too late for that?), Aidan stayed awake and didn't fall asleep until 11:15pm Orlando time, 9:15pm Calgary time. It was rough getting him to sleep. I'm not sure what the night will bring, but hopefully he'll sleep until morning-ish. It might be a hard day or two....

Now it's midnight, and I'm sitting here waiting for my sister and parents to arrive. Or I might go to bed and see them in the morning......All in all, it was a good travelling experience and I'm happy to be here, although I wish my husband was here with us.

Slacking on the posts

I just thought I should write a post because I haven't for a while. I don't really have anything new going on. Aidan and I are going to Florida on Tuesday without Mike, which I am a little bit nervous about. My parents, sisters, brother, grandparents, nephew, and brother in law will all be there so I definitely won't be alone but obviously I'll be doing most of the Aidan Duty. Although I guess that's not too different from being at home.

It'll be Aidan's first plane trip. I did not buy him his own seat so he will be held the whole time. Any other moms have advice or tips? My biggest nightmare is him crying and crying, since he is used to sleeping in only 3 places - crib (mostly), car seat (sometimes), and swing (occasionally). I'm doubting whether he will sleep in my arms or not. When he was first born I was so worried about him only being able to fall asleep in my arms/swing, etc that I made sure he slept mostly in his crib or bassinet. We'll see how it goes! I'm sure I'll have some stories from the trip to post here but for now, nothing is too new or exciting in the world of Aidan and Mommy.

Love at first sight?

I thought I would write about the topic of loving your child as soon as he or she is born. Although I've already eluded to my feelings and experiences in this area, I thought I would write specifically about it in case there are other people who feel the way I felt.

Quite a few people I know are having babies or have recently had babies, and it seems they all instantly loved their child. Or at least that's what they say.....As you may recall from my labour and delivery story, when Aidan was born I was more interested in eating a sandwich than checking him out. This may sound bad, but it's the truth. It was an exciting time in a way, but not in a "I feel so fulfilled and complete" way. I'm not sure how to describe how I felt, but it definitely wasn't this crazy true love bliss feeling that supposedly people feel.

At first, I took care of Aidan as carefully as I could not out of love, but out of a sense of responsibility. He was (and still is) so helpless that I knew he relied on me to make sure he ate, bathed, had his diaper changed, etc. I tried my best to take really good care of him but it was out of obligation. I remember looking at him sometimes thinking, "How can anyone love their child right away? He doesn't even know I exist". My birthday came about 3 weeks after Aidan was born. When Mike wished me Happy Birthday, I started to cry - I'd forgotten it was my birthday and I knew it would be the worst birthday ever because I had to feed Aidan every 3 hours minimum, change him, care for him, etc. And he did NOT care that it was my birthday!

Now, before you think I'm a terrible mom, let me say that I did feel this strong feeling of attachment. It was hard for me to go out without Aidan. I would miss him in a weird way. Not in the way that I missed Mike or my family, but in a way like an addict missing my addiction. That's the only way I can describe it. I went to the grocery store on my own when Aidan was about 5 days old. A cashier there, who had seen me while pregnant, said "Ohhh, you had your baby! Where is the little one?" I had to fight back tears as I answered, "With his Dad". It was a very weird feeling.

I also did not like other people holding Aidan. I'd think I wanted them to but after about 30 seconds I would want him back. "No one can hold him as well as I can", I'd think. But again, this was not "love" as I had imagined a parent's love for a child, it was something else....

Slowly, things started to change. I spent a few nights at my sister's house when Aidan was almost 2 months old. At night, before going to sleep (for at most, 5 hours) he started to just lie in his bassinet and look around. What the heck?!?! He wasn't crying but actually looking around peacefully? Love started to grow in my heart.

A few days later, my sister made what we call "The Face" (a very crazy smiley face) to Aidan and he semi-smiled back. Love! She said something to him along the lines of, "If you knew that smiling is all you had to do to get what you want from your mommy, you would have done it a lot sooner". And it's true. Once Aidan began to recognize me as a person and not just a set of boobs, I began to feel love for him. But that was a few months after he was born.

I must say that, although Aidan's ability to smile was a big step forward, the thing that really changed our relationship was The Schedule. Aidan was not a good sleeper and he began to not nap very well as he became more aware of the world. This caused him to be over tired and not sleep well at night, either. When he finally started sleeping for 10+ hours, I finally started to REALLY love him. It's hard to love anyone when you're sleep deprived. He took regular naps, allowing me to exercise. This also improved my mood and allowed me some much-needed time to myself.

I know as a mom you are supposed to be selfless but my thought process has often included, "Why is he more important than me?" I know I need to take care of him, play with him, love him, etc but I also need to take care of myself and love myself. I can't be a good mom if I don't. I read in a book recently that something important to remember is, "Taking time for myself does not harm my child" and to repeat this to yourself a few times a day (can you tell I read a lot of books about babies?).

When I wasn't sleeping, exercising, barely finding time to shower, etc I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Now, I can give Aidan my best while he's awake and take more time for myself while he's asleep. And I can honestly say I love him with all my heart.