I thought I would write about the topic of loving your child as soon as he or she is born. Although I've already eluded to my feelings and experiences in this area, I thought I would write specifically about it in case there are other people who feel the way I felt.
Quite a few people I know are having babies or have recently had babies, and it seems they all instantly loved their child. Or at least that's what they say.....As you may recall from my labour and delivery story, when Aidan was born I was more interested in eating a sandwich than checking him out. This may sound bad, but it's the truth. It was an exciting time in a way, but not in a "I feel so fulfilled and complete" way. I'm not sure how to describe how I felt, but it definitely wasn't this crazy true love bliss feeling that supposedly people feel.
At first, I took care of Aidan as carefully as I could not out of love, but out of a sense of responsibility. He was (and still is) so helpless that I knew he relied on me to make sure he ate, bathed, had his diaper changed, etc. I tried my best to take really good care of him but it was out of obligation. I remember looking at him sometimes thinking, "How can anyone love their child right away? He doesn't even know I exist". My birthday came about 3 weeks after Aidan was born. When Mike wished me Happy Birthday, I started to cry - I'd forgotten it was my birthday and I knew it would be the worst birthday ever because I had to feed Aidan every 3 hours minimum, change him, care for him, etc. And he did NOT care that it was my birthday!
Now, before you think I'm a terrible mom, let me say that I did feel this strong feeling of attachment. It was hard for me to go out without Aidan. I would miss him in a weird way. Not in the way that I missed Mike or my family, but in a way like an addict missing my addiction. That's the only way I can describe it. I went to the grocery store on my own when Aidan was about 5 days old. A cashier there, who had seen me while pregnant, said "Ohhh, you had your baby! Where is the little one?" I had to fight back tears as I answered, "With his Dad". It was a very weird feeling.
I also did not like other people holding Aidan. I'd think I wanted them to but after about 30 seconds I would want him back. "No one can hold him as well as I can", I'd think. But again, this was not "love" as I had imagined a parent's love for a child, it was something else....
Slowly, things started to change. I spent a few nights at my sister's house when Aidan was almost 2 months old. At night, before going to sleep (for at most, 5 hours) he started to just lie in his bassinet and look around. What the heck?!?! He wasn't crying but actually looking around peacefully? Love started to grow in my heart.
A few days later, my sister made what we call "The Face" (a very crazy smiley face) to Aidan and he semi-smiled back. Love! She said something to him along the lines of, "If you knew that smiling is all you had to do to get what you want from your mommy, you would have done it a lot sooner". And it's true. Once Aidan began to recognize me as a person and not just a set of boobs, I began to feel love for him. But that was a few months after he was born.
I must say that, although Aidan's ability to smile was a big step forward, the thing that really changed our relationship was The Schedule. Aidan was not a good sleeper and he began to not nap very well as he became more aware of the world. This caused him to be over tired and not sleep well at night, either. When he finally started sleeping for 10+ hours, I finally started to REALLY love him. It's hard to love anyone when you're sleep deprived. He took regular naps, allowing me to exercise. This also improved my mood and allowed me some much-needed time to myself.
I know as a mom you are supposed to be selfless but my thought process has often included, "Why is he more important than me?" I know I need to take care of him, play with him, love him, etc but I also need to take care of myself and love myself. I can't be a good mom if I don't. I read in a book recently that something important to remember is, "Taking time for myself does not harm my child" and to repeat this to yourself a few times a day (can you tell I read a lot of books about babies?).
When I wasn't sleeping, exercising, barely finding time to shower, etc I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Now, I can give Aidan my best while he's awake and take more time for myself while he's asleep. And I can honestly say I love him with all my heart. 
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