The End

I think it's safe to say that I won't be blogging anymore. It seems it was a brief lived obsession and now I've said all I have to say. Thanks to everyone for reading. Check back now and then if you want because you never know if I might have something I need to write about ;)

First Plane Ride

First of all, I want to say that I took lots of pictures of Aidan's first plane ride with my cell phone but I forgot the memory card converter so I can't post any until I could get back. Use your imagination :)

I thought I should be at the airport extra early, having been warned by my sister that it takes some time to push a stroller while pulling a luggage cart. When will I learn not to tell Mike that I want to be somewhere early? My flight was scheduled to leave at 12:10pm and at 7:30am Mike was asking if I was ready. Thankfully he let me wait until about 8:30am before we left, but I'm getting off track.

Aidan woke up around 6:30am. I fed him and he was back to sleep around 7:30am. He sometimes has his morning nap this early and sleeps until about 9am. He was napping in his swing so Mike could watch him while I got ready and I accidentally knocked into the swing around 8am, waking him up. "Crrrraaaaaaappp" (my thoughts), "Now Aidan is going to be super cranky all day because his nap was 30 minutes and we have to go soon!" I was slightly stressed. People without children cannot understand what a missed nap truly means. Maybe even people with uncranky children can't understand.

Anyway, Aidan fell asleep on the drive there (yessss!) at about 9am. His schedule was off, but whatever. I was just glad he was sleeping. Mike helped me load my things on a cart and came into the airport with me. The tricky part came after he left - because only ticketed passengers are allowed through the US security area, I had to push his stroller with one hand while pulling the luggage cart behind me the other hand. Originally when my sister told me about this technique, I thought I should try to pack less. Yeah, right. My living room is Aidan's amusement park and I don't know how I'm going to live without the toys I didn't bring, I crammed in as much as possible. Plus he needs cute outfits for all the fun things we're going to do. It wasn't that hard since the line moved kind of slowly, and Aidan was still sleeping!!! Joy! I couldn't believe it. He slept until I was through customs and up at my gate. Am I lucky or what??? It was amazing. But before you get too jealous, something bad is going to happen, don't worry.

So around 11am, Aidan wakes up. I'm so happy, he's had a total of 2 1/2 hours of sleep so even if he doesn't nap again he can't be THAT cranky. Aidan's happy, too. I want to hold him off on eating so I can feed him as the plane takes off but he hasn't eaten since 6:30am so I feed him at 11:30am. Wow, I am giving a really detailed account of the day...I may have to edit this down a little so it's not so boring.

So, Aidan is happy - rested and fed, what more could a baby want. I carry him over to the kiddie section in the seating area by the gate where there is a table with toys attached. I hold him so he can play with the toys. Here is where disaster comes....

Although Aidan is pretty good at holding his head up and keeping his balance, he's still a little wobbly. I was holding him around the waist, in front of the table, when WHACK he smacks his head on the side of the table. Obviously, he instantly begins to scream. I'm not too worried...I pick him up and try to calm him down. Until....I notice....HE HAS A CUT RIGHT BY HIS EYE!! I AM THE WORST MOM EVER!

I'm freaking out, it's about 5 minutes before I'm supposed to board and there is blood (not gushing blood, barely noticeable except to the trained mother's eye, but still...blood). I don't know if I should clean him up or get it checked or what I should do (I guess I'm not that trained of a mother....) so I go over to the desk where the westjet staff are sitting. "Um, excuse me...." A lady employee turns to me. "Can I help you?" She asks. "Ummm...I just...I..not sure" I can't even speak, I break down in tears. I show her the cut and I'm sure she thinks I'm a psychotic over protective mother. Looking back, I can't believe I started sobbing. Okay, I can. I used to be a big crier but I got over it. Since I had Aidan, though, commercials about a boy eating cereal with his mom can make me cry (okay, I exaggerate...slightly)

Anyway, I ask the lady what she thinks I should do, should I still get on the plane, etc. I'm not sure why I thought this 20-something west jet employee would have all the answers, but I was so panicked that I didn't know what to do. She assured me that it was no big deal. Her co-worked laughed, "That won't be the last time he hurts himself! Hahaha!" I am not laughing, but I stop crying. And Aidan has stopped crying long ago.

Two seconds later, it's time to board. Another westjet employee helps me with my suitcase and tells me how her 16 month old son's head is covered in bumps, he is always hitting his head. Ahhh, how am I going to deal with Aidan learning to crawl/walk? He's going to hit his head constantly! Will I sob every time?

We get on the plane and prepare for departure. As per advice, I nurse Aidan on take-off, even though my row is full. I use the annoying breastfeeding cover. Aidan nurses for about 30 minutes and is pretty much asleep. I adjust him on my lap so that he is basically lying down across me. He sucks his soother for a looooong while with his eyes closed (half sleeping) and then sleeps for at least an hour without the soother. I'm thinking "this is too good to be true". He wakes up with about 2 hours left to go on the flight. He is happy. I am happy. He gets a little fussy, but not too bad. No real crying.

About 45 minutes before landing, I ask a flight attendant to warm up some milk I brought (hey, when I boarded someone told me to press the flight attendant button if I needed a bottle warmed). A different lady came to my seat. I have to say I can tell that she does not have children. Either that or she just hates her life and is a crank pot. I would like to take this opportunity to go off on a tangent. Since I had Aidan, I get more annoyed with things/people that aren't child friendly. I never noticed before how difficult it is to get around with a stroller. How are you supposed to open a door? Or carry your luggage at the airport?

Anyway, I gave the flight attendant my bottle and 2 bags of milk. She handed back the bottle and said, "I'll just warm these up and bring them back to you". Are you kidding me? Do you not SEE the child in my lap? How am I supposed to hold him and pour milk from a bag into a bottle without spilling it everywhere (I did do it, but I'm just saying...). I also told her they didn't need to be hot, just room temperature is fine. Her reply, "I can't guarantee the temperature...we only have hot water, not a microwave". Okay, obviously not a mom because all moms know you don't heat breastmilk in the microwave. The bags came back piping hot, which tells me she has never heated up milk before (not a mom). I'm glad I didn't need the bottle right away because I had to let it cool for at least 15 minutes. Maybe the real reasons I hate this woman were because a) she didn't smile b)Aidan had been fussy so I was more cranky.

We landed and my grandparents were waiting to meet me and meet their great grandson for the first time. We packed up the van and were on our way. At this point it was 6:30pm Calgary time, past Aidan's bedtime. He was okay at first and then....fuss. No big deal, right? But THEN...SCREEEEAM like I haven't heard him scream in a long time. I knew it was because he was over tired, but it still sucked because we were driving and there was nothing I could do. He eventually passed out and when we arrived at the house I threw his car seat in a back bedroom and closed the door. When my grandfather was giving me a tour of the house, he started to open the door to that room.."Noooooo...Aidan's sleeping in there!" Evidently, he didn't hear me, because he turned on the light and continued talking. Aidan woke up. But maybe he'd go back to sleep? No such luck.

Long story short (too late for that?), Aidan stayed awake and didn't fall asleep until 11:15pm Orlando time, 9:15pm Calgary time. It was rough getting him to sleep. I'm not sure what the night will bring, but hopefully he'll sleep until morning-ish. It might be a hard day or two....

Now it's midnight, and I'm sitting here waiting for my sister and parents to arrive. Or I might go to bed and see them in the morning......All in all, it was a good travelling experience and I'm happy to be here, although I wish my husband was here with us.

Slacking on the posts

I just thought I should write a post because I haven't for a while. I don't really have anything new going on. Aidan and I are going to Florida on Tuesday without Mike, which I am a little bit nervous about. My parents, sisters, brother, grandparents, nephew, and brother in law will all be there so I definitely won't be alone but obviously I'll be doing most of the Aidan Duty. Although I guess that's not too different from being at home.

It'll be Aidan's first plane trip. I did not buy him his own seat so he will be held the whole time. Any other moms have advice or tips? My biggest nightmare is him crying and crying, since he is used to sleeping in only 3 places - crib (mostly), car seat (sometimes), and swing (occasionally). I'm doubting whether he will sleep in my arms or not. When he was first born I was so worried about him only being able to fall asleep in my arms/swing, etc that I made sure he slept mostly in his crib or bassinet. We'll see how it goes! I'm sure I'll have some stories from the trip to post here but for now, nothing is too new or exciting in the world of Aidan and Mommy.

Love at first sight?

I thought I would write about the topic of loving your child as soon as he or she is born. Although I've already eluded to my feelings and experiences in this area, I thought I would write specifically about it in case there are other people who feel the way I felt.

Quite a few people I know are having babies or have recently had babies, and it seems they all instantly loved their child. Or at least that's what they say.....As you may recall from my labour and delivery story, when Aidan was born I was more interested in eating a sandwich than checking him out. This may sound bad, but it's the truth. It was an exciting time in a way, but not in a "I feel so fulfilled and complete" way. I'm not sure how to describe how I felt, but it definitely wasn't this crazy true love bliss feeling that supposedly people feel.

At first, I took care of Aidan as carefully as I could not out of love, but out of a sense of responsibility. He was (and still is) so helpless that I knew he relied on me to make sure he ate, bathed, had his diaper changed, etc. I tried my best to take really good care of him but it was out of obligation. I remember looking at him sometimes thinking, "How can anyone love their child right away? He doesn't even know I exist". My birthday came about 3 weeks after Aidan was born. When Mike wished me Happy Birthday, I started to cry - I'd forgotten it was my birthday and I knew it would be the worst birthday ever because I had to feed Aidan every 3 hours minimum, change him, care for him, etc. And he did NOT care that it was my birthday!

Now, before you think I'm a terrible mom, let me say that I did feel this strong feeling of attachment. It was hard for me to go out without Aidan. I would miss him in a weird way. Not in the way that I missed Mike or my family, but in a way like an addict missing my addiction. That's the only way I can describe it. I went to the grocery store on my own when Aidan was about 5 days old. A cashier there, who had seen me while pregnant, said "Ohhh, you had your baby! Where is the little one?" I had to fight back tears as I answered, "With his Dad". It was a very weird feeling.

I also did not like other people holding Aidan. I'd think I wanted them to but after about 30 seconds I would want him back. "No one can hold him as well as I can", I'd think. But again, this was not "love" as I had imagined a parent's love for a child, it was something else....

Slowly, things started to change. I spent a few nights at my sister's house when Aidan was almost 2 months old. At night, before going to sleep (for at most, 5 hours) he started to just lie in his bassinet and look around. What the heck?!?! He wasn't crying but actually looking around peacefully? Love started to grow in my heart.

A few days later, my sister made what we call "The Face" (a very crazy smiley face) to Aidan and he semi-smiled back. Love! She said something to him along the lines of, "If you knew that smiling is all you had to do to get what you want from your mommy, you would have done it a lot sooner". And it's true. Once Aidan began to recognize me as a person and not just a set of boobs, I began to feel love for him. But that was a few months after he was born.

I must say that, although Aidan's ability to smile was a big step forward, the thing that really changed our relationship was The Schedule. Aidan was not a good sleeper and he began to not nap very well as he became more aware of the world. This caused him to be over tired and not sleep well at night, either. When he finally started sleeping for 10+ hours, I finally started to REALLY love him. It's hard to love anyone when you're sleep deprived. He took regular naps, allowing me to exercise. This also improved my mood and allowed me some much-needed time to myself.

I know as a mom you are supposed to be selfless but my thought process has often included, "Why is he more important than me?" I know I need to take care of him, play with him, love him, etc but I also need to take care of myself and love myself. I can't be a good mom if I don't. I read in a book recently that something important to remember is, "Taking time for myself does not harm my child" and to repeat this to yourself a few times a day (can you tell I read a lot of books about babies?).

When I wasn't sleeping, exercising, barely finding time to shower, etc I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Now, I can give Aidan my best while he's awake and take more time for myself while he's asleep. And I can honestly say I love him with all my heart.

Crying Child

No pictures for this one - I've already posted the crying picture of Aidan so you'll just have to refer to that picture to get an image in your head.

So Aidan had a pretty good day today. He slept 12 1/2 hours last night, had 3 good naps, but when bedtime came....oh, man. He decided to scream for an hour and nothing would comfort him. It was like the old days, but the difference is I'm not used to it anymore and I can't stand it. I remember before he'd cry for an hour and that would be a good night. Now he cries for 5 minutes and I feel like it was hours.

I think most moms will know what I mean - when you hear your child cry, does your head start pounding and your heart start racing? I'm not talking about the little fussy crying, but the screaming-like-I'm-going-to-die crying. Maybe it's just me, but I've had people over and if Aidan is crying I cannot carry on any sort of conversation. I can't concentrate on anything and all I can think about is making the crying stop. This is where the evil images of hurting Aidan come into my head. They don't come right away, I think they have a 1/2 hour minimum cry time limit. But when they come, I hate myself and I hate Aidan and I hate everything. You'd better hope you're not calling me during a crying spell or I will hate you, too.

I was going to try to write this blog while he was crying, but it was useless. I became a useless, brainless being whose sole mission in life was to make my child go to sleep. I've read that crying does not affect men the same way, but when I see how Mike reacts I think these researchers are wrong.

Anyway, hopefully this crying spell was a one night thing. Actually, even if he does it tomorrow it's not that big of a deal because I have to work so someone else can comfort him. Someone with more patience.....

Labour and Delivery

Every mom's got a story - here's mine.

I woke up at about 4am on October 16, 2009, with a gush of liquid coming from between my legs. I thought my maybe my water broke, but I also thought maybe I was peeing - I stood up to smell the mattress. As the water continued to gush out, I realized the sniff test wasn't necessary - this was baby time. I shook Mike to wake him up "Mike, my water broke" and I don't actually remember what he said. Because I was strep-B positive, I needed to go to the hospital right away. I'm glad I didn't have to just wait around for labour to start.

My due date wasn't until November 1, and unlike everyone else who's pregnant, I was NOT anxious to meet my son. I would have been content for him to stay in there forever. As such, my hospital bag was not packed. I started packing my bag. Not rushed, but not taking my time either. I packed a few pairs of underwear (little did I know I'd need 50 pair for the amount of water gushing out of me), some clothes for Aidan, some comfy clothes for me, and of course snacks.

Luckily there wasn't much traffic (it was pretty early) and it didn't take long to get to the hospital. They gave me some pretty mesh hospital underwear (these are not actually pretty) and got me hooked up to some machines to monitor me. The nurse came in after a while to check the machines and told me I was 3 cm dilated, had I felt any contractions?

I was surprised - 3 cm dilated and I still hadn't felt any pain. Woo hoo! While she was in there she said, "Oh, you just had a contraction, did you feel it?" I had not felt anything. This experience made me excited, thinking maybe I'd deliver the baby and never feel a thing! How naive of me.

The first (and maybe most?) painful moment came soon after - I had to get an IV. This was not enjoyable AT ALL. I'd never had one before, and it really hurt to get that needle put in. The pain is supposed to go away, but it hurt the whole time. Maybe I'm just a big wimp, but it killed me. As a side story, I remember getting blood taken during my pregnancy. It was the first time I'd ever had blood taken and I told the woman that I was scared. Her comfort was, "Oh, honey, you're going to feel much worse pain than this before your baby is born!" I was not comforted. I cried.

Shortly after that, I was whisked to the delivery room where I was given pitocin to speed up the process. All that was left to do was sit back and wait for the pain. I read the paper while chatting with Mike and listening to music. I talked on the phone with my family. My thoughts - "Pfft, labour is easy".

I asked Mike for a snack. During my prenatal class, the instructor had informed us that you used to not be allowed snacks during labour but, HURRAY, Alberta had recently changed the rules and you were now allowed to eat and drink. When I asked for the Arrowroot (baby cookie), the nurse that was in the room turned to me immediately, "You're not allowed to eat". WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT??? I know I've written before about my love affair with food, but only those that know me well will understand just how important food is to me. Or even if you don't know me well, if you've ever tried to steal some of my snacks (as I bring snacks with me pretty much every where I go) then you know how seriously I take my food.

After some discussion, the nurse told me that if I was starving I could have something. So I told her I was starving. I was allowed some toast and juice.

At about 10:30 am, I went to the bathroom. All of a sudden I felt really bad period cramps. I seriously did not clue in that it was a contraction, because it really felt just like period cramps. A few minutes after that (felt like a few seconds) the cramps returned, only more intensely. My sister had delivered her baby only 2 weeks ago and her words of wisdom rang in my ears, "Get the epidural". As soon as a nurse came in I said "I'm going to want the epidural". I think I went through about a half hour of contractions before the anesthesiologist finally came and gave me my needle. Our prenatal class (and lots of books) had made epidurals seem evil and unnatural, but I could still feel the contractions, they just didn't hurt as much. I have no regrets.

When it came time to push, I was not prepared. I felt like I had just started having contractions and all of a sudden it was time to have a baby! Luckily, I had been warned about 2 very important things - I would probably poop while pushing, and I would probably tear (I was more scared about tearing than anything else, which seems so silly now). As I pushed (which actually hurt) I kept asking "Did I poop?" I knew I probably would, but I was still ashamed.

Finally, the pushing was over and Aidan was out! He was being weighed and measured, etc while Mike took videos and pictures. My first question "Did I tear?" Yes, I did, but I only needed 2 stitches. Apparently pretty much all first time moms tear (this is a warning to all of you women without children, because I didn't know this before I was pregnant). A nurse came to me, "You're allowed to eat now. Would you like a sandwich?" At first I said no, but then two seconds later - "What kinds of sandwiches do you have?" I chowed down while Mike played the role of proud parent. I honestly did not feel whatever it is you're supposed to feel - overwhelmed, overjoyed? I just felt hungry. I don't think I really clued in to what was going on.

So that's my birth story. Aidan was born at about 3:15pm so I had about 5 hours of contractions/pushing. Honestly, it was not bad at all. I think God did this so that I would be willing to have another child. I'm sure the next time won't be so easy. Or maybe it will. I can only hope.

Decisions, Decisions

Reason to go back to work:




















Reason to stay home:


















Okay, there's another reason to go back to work: money. I'm still struggling with what to do, hopefully I'll figure it out before September.

Blog coming soon: my labour and delivery story. Don't worry, there won't be any gross pictures.